I’m starting to think I’m not…
A friend recently said she didn’t understand why my IG edits were as dark as they were because in real life I’m not a “dark/moody” person.
Y’all. That hit me like a ton of bricks, but in a really good way.
I feel like my editing style fluctuates with my mood/season. In my 35 years of life I’ve gotten really good at masking publicly when things aren’t great but it shows up in other ways (Like my photo edits.) that only those closest to me see. However what she said shifted something in me.
At my core I am a bright, loud “weirdo”. I wore bright colors and patterns, ran sun kissed and wild in my neighborhood, and used my crazy imagination daily. On the other hand I was made to tuck those bits of me away as life changed and shifted as my dad was dying. I had to grow up and fast because things were never going to be the same again. Now at 35 I’m left with whatever all this is now.
I guess I always saw dark and moody as my way of being different and weird in a palpable form for the world around me. It wasn’t taken from me because I was a kid going through something, a phase, a blink of the eye in the timeline that is life. But I held on. Tightly. I still haven’t let go.
Looking back now I see that shift as a way to hold on to me…but by hiding her. Tucking her away in the rich, deep folds of darkness.
Is this what finding your inner child is like? This thought literally popped into my head as I’m writing this post and now I feel like I’m on to something. But let’s refocus for a sec , shall we?
As I sit with this new idea about working on my inner child I’m still drawn back to what my friend said. In finding my people I was taking the steps towards getting back to who I am. The path hasn’t been easy, and people have been left behind but at the end of the day I’m better for it. The people in my life now have been able to see past the mask and view me for who I am and I love it. Even if I has me feeling slightly anxious.
With that said it’s time to wrap this rambling up. I know I’m ending this abruptly but truthfully my head is swimming with thoughts and I’ve got to them down on actual paper. It’s kinda consuming me. Sorry for ending this one on a weird note but here we are.
Look at it as a step towards seeing the real me…she’s a mess but she’s fun. Enjoy!